


dance now (if you want me)

by rocshia



Category: Stray Kids (Band), TWICE (Band)
Genre: Bullying?, Eating Disorders, F/F, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Music, Oneshot, Song: Kill Your Darling (summersoul), also it’s implied chaeyoung tries to be with her teacher, but momo is there to support her, but she doesn’t actually do anything, but tbh not really, chaeyoung has an eating disorder, chaeyoung is down bad, chaeyoung’s parents don’t really care for her, changbin is an asshole to chaeyoung, clingy momo?, either way there’s your warning, felix is kind of an asshole, mostly based off my 7th grade experience pls, not really - Freeform, stray kids cameo, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 17:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30109725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocshia/pseuds/rocshia
Summary: chaeyoung feels empty and alone, but momo is always there for her.
Relationships: Hirai Momo & Son Chaeyoung
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	dance now (if you want me)

**Author's Note:**

> ah yes, writing an au about a song that triggers your memories of things you discussed in “i don’t wanna feel everything that was meant to be faded” (which is coincidentally titled based off the SAME SONG) is such a great idea. applause to me~
> 
> also this is a day late but the story will all make sense if u listen to kill your darling

the bus home was a long and loud ride.

“chaeyoung.”

chaeyoung’s gotten used to the girl with the black hime cut, her smile, her daily interrogations, her blue adidas track jacket and mini black skirt paired with short white socks two inches visible from underneath her university blue jordans. she liked to pretend she hated her, but she wished she’d never leave.

“what now?”

“don’t you think we’re kind of perfect?” momo smiled sweetly. “like, we both like skateboarding and digital art, and we both play a sport even though we’re not on a team, and we both ride the same bus, and i’m pretty… and you’re cool.”

“...” chaeyoung looked at momo confused. “what are you even saying?”

“i don’t know, okay?” momo laughed. “you’re precious, you know? i want to keep you forever…”

“...”

_what a freak._

yet, she’s the only one that cares…

.

.

.

chaeyoung twisted the key and the door creaked open. stepping into her house, there were no sounds except her kicking her shoes onto the front of the door and the building felt empty. usually it would be strange, but to her, it’s normal.

“of course…”

she’s always alone.

she walked past the corners of every wall until she finally got into her room and plopped on her bed.

even though a bed is supposed to be comforting and a place of rest, everytime she lied on here, she felt even more pain; like she was cursed to forever be tired of existing.

“my bones hurt…”

she twisted and turned, but it still felt the same.

“what am i even doing anymore?” she sighed. “what about my grades? school is going to end soon…”

she wanted to move, she wanted to do something, she wanted to get something done…

“i’m not lazy…”

but that’s all her parents can call her when they get home.

they tell her about how much better her sister is, and how great her grades are and the colleges she got into; but they don’t know about the things she does behind their backs.

would they even care, as long as it’s not chaeyoung?

“it’s not fair…”

she closed her eyes and fell asleep, with a white box sitting untouched on the drawers of her mirror.

—

there were three more days until school was over.

were chaeyoung’s grades good enough?

she woke up contemplating opening up the white box.

“...”

it sat perfectly still.

“not now.” 

and so, chaeyoung came to school, prepared to sit with her crush.

_‘usually he’s aggressive towards me,’_ chaeyoung thought, lying her head on the long wooden table where a box of the cookies she brought for lunch resided. _‘but it’s just a joke because we’re friends.’_

“hey chaeyoung.” a boy smiled from the distance. “wow, the teacher isn’t here?”

“oh fuck off, felix.” chaeyoung hated having a daily reminder of her ex friend group sitting right in front of her. she hated being reminded why she was alone, what she had done, the things people have called her.

it all hurts too much.

suddenly, chaeyoung could feel _his_ presence. 

_changbin._

_her favorite boy._

“chaeyoung, you finally lost weight?”

trying not to look upset, chaeyoung slightly smiled. “why do you care?”

“clearly you need to lose more.” changbin laughed, and chaeyoung could only hope he was saying this in a joking tone. “here, i’ll help…”

he snatched the box of cookies and ran out of the classroom.

“hey!!!” chaeyoung threw her chair aside and chased the boy out of the classroom.

she ran around every hall looking for him.

“changbin?!!” she panted, trying to catch her breath. “changbin!!!”

_he’s doing this because he wants to talk to me._

_he’s doing this because he wants to be alone with me._

_he’s doing this because he likes my baking._

_he’s doing this because he likes_ **_me._ **

but he was nowhere to be seen.

she kept running and running and running, until she couldn’t breathe anymore and stopped to rest at a trash can.

“fuck, and i have gym next class…”

she sat on the floor, dusting off her black pleated skirt with a pout and turning to the trash can.

“trash can, are you worth more than me?”

she flipped it open to look inside.

“…”

the box.

_he threw her cookies away._

**_he didn’t even eat them._ **

  
  


chaeyoung came back to the classroom defeated, while everybody else in the classroom was having fun and changlix were _clearly_ enjoying their conversation.

felix walked up to chaeyoung trying not to smile at her misery.

“damn, you really ran a lot, huh?” he looked down at her. “you should’ve at least hit him while he was talking about your weight!!!”

the boy laughed, patting chaeyoung’s messy black and grey hair.

“yea…” chaeyoung laughed awkwardly.

_should’ve been stronger…_

and when things are like this, chaeyoung thinks to herself, _if changbin won’t love me, i know someone who will._

but she’s always too scared to say anything.

_maybe it’s better that way?_

she walked into the familiar class room again. different than the one she was in earlier, a man with somewhat long black hair and glasses turned to see her standing at the door.

“chaeyoung?” the man put down the book he was reading on his wooden desk.

“...”

“what do you want?” he asked, looking down at her from a foot above. “you have my class after gym, not before.”

chaeyoung was frozen. “...”

she didn’t know what to do.

she didn’t know what she could say to him, without the high possibility of him calling her a freak, or telling the counselor and calling her parents who _already hate her,_ or maybe even both.

“are you going to say anything?”

“...i can’t.”

“be stronger.”

_i can’t._

.

.

.

when all was done and school was over, chaeyoung was in her house all alone again, falling down to the cold floor, except now she had that _nuisance_ momo.

“hey…”

momo crouched down to the floor to look down at the girl, lying on the ground with a blank face.

“are you dying?”

“i’ll never die,” she said,

but she hopes that’s not true.

she hopes that she finally becomes one with the soil, so that she never has to comprehend a single thought in her brain again.

“i hate when you lie to me.”

“i didn’t lie.”

chaeyoung raised the upper half of her body from the ground and turned around, crossing her legs towards momo.

“i’m tired.”

“of doing nothing, like you’ve been doing for the past few _months?”_ momo fake smiled, only to show her true feelings in her next sentence. “i’m tired of watching you crack into pieces.”

“then stop coming back to me.” and with that, chaeyoung stood up and went to her room.

.

.

.

_fuck._

chaeyoung hated how she was left standing in front of the white box again.

_i won’t open it._

_i won’t touch that stupid razor._

_i won’t think of_ **_him._ **

but like always, the night ended in her bedsheets being stained with blood and tears.

“what if momo saw me like this…?” she laid down almost lifeless. “like the monster i am???”

_would she still stay?_

—

chaeyoung woke up to a blue ceiling.

of course she didn’t die.

of course deep is never deep enough.

she got up with tired bones and left to get on the bus. breakfast can wait, and her stomach can too.

.

.

.

the bus was filled with kids talking, but in chaeyoung’s corner, it was silent.

her rolled up white sleeves and striped dark blue tie glowed in the pastel sun.

a girl in a white bucket hat with a duck on it and yellow adidas jacket covered chaeyoung with her shadow. chaeyoung looked up in retaliation.

“why did you come back?”

“you only have me, right?”

the bus was moving at its usual pace, and the sky from the window was it’s usual dull periwinkle.

“chaeyoung.”

chaeyoung looked at momo with tired eyes.

“doesn’t the sun look so fake?” it sounded like a joke, but the older was dead serious. “like it’s just a cut out picture stuck onto the sky.”

“do you want to go chase it to see if it’s real?” chae was only being sarcastic.

“i’d go anywhere with you.”

“...”

chaeyoung glared at the girl and slightly pulled her hair.

“stop acting like you’re my girlfriend.”

“lighten up.” momo giggled, still wearing the smile she always does.

—

the day ended as fast as it started, and chaeyoung was in front of her bathroom mirror, trying to think of a way to be as silent as possible to not disturb momo, who came to visit her house _again._ she’s always hanging around her, holding her arm, offering to cook for her, wanting to watch movies with her.

she’s a good friend, _but why do they always have to be around each other?_

this was chaeyoung’s only chance to be alone and bask in her own misery.

she couldn’t stop thinking about the things changbin said to her, the fact that no matter how much weight she loses, it’ll never be enough.

the fact she was so stupid to skip breakfast so she could eat six 78 calorie cookies.

the fact she thought she was finally at the perfect weight only to be reminded that she’s still fat.

_momo worked so hard to cook for me…_

but chaeyoung had to work hard to be perfect.

she kneeled down to the toilet and poked at her throat.

the vomit in her mouth and the pain in the back of her throat felt terrible and gross, but she was always like that. she was always a spider unraveling from a silk web, and on the inside, she was scary and ugly and she knew nobody wanted her.

her toilet was a representation of how she truly was.

“no fucking way.”

panicked at the sudden voice, chaeyoung turned around.

_i can’t believe i forgot to lock the door—_

“why are we still friends?”

“momo—”

“i keep hinting that i like you all the time and that i care about you and you keep trying to kill yourself as if i won’t be the one left picking up the pieces when you die!!!” momo couldn’t control her tears anymore. “and i know that you can’t think about all that because that’s the last thing on anybody’s mind when they feel like utter shit, but do you even really care? you don’t have to fucking purge and bleed to death, you know? we can just stop caring about grades and weight and shit that won’t matter later and just chase that stupid photoshopped sun we talked about before!”

chaeyoung couldn’t control her tears either.

“we can just stop caring…”

chaeyoung pulled momo in for a tight hug. 

all those times she hid her feelings towards momo in hopes she would leave her alone, so she wouldn’t have anybody to feel guilty about for leaving behind…

“look up at me.”

chaeyoung moved her head slightly up from momo’s chest, a only few inches away from her face.

“don’t lose your pretty teeth purging, because they cost money to replace!!!”

chaeyoung smiled through the waterfall, saying “i won’t” without using words.

—

it was the last day of school.

_isn’t it weird how time goes by?_

how chaeyoung started the year doing somewhat okay, making new friends with girls that liked tennis and spoke mainly japanese but also korean, and trying to learn japanese to fit in with them, but ultimately losing them?

then moving on the next person and the next person, this time with no language barrier, but they didn’t stay friends with her?

going in the restroom to cry only to see the new girl eating lunch in the next stall?

then the new girl moved away, and momo became chaeyoung’s closest friend,

_only to become chaeyoung’s only friend?_

yet, today was just like any other day in class with changbin, and any other day sitting in front of felix, except now chaeyoung was going to be _stronger._

chaeyoung was scared, but she knew what she wanted to say.

“hey, chae—”

“why do you even do this stuff to me?” chaeyoung asked, letting out her anger. “i know it’s not because we’re friends, because you don’t treat felix this way! is it some twisted way to show me you like me, or do you just hate me and want to see me miserable? because i’m tired of your aggressiveness and feeling like shit because of what _you_ think is a joke!!!”

the whole table was silent.

changbin looked down at his feet. “i didn’t know you felt that way.”

_that’s all you have to say after everything you’ve done???_

_after throwing my hard work away, you didn’t know how i’d feel???_

_that’s not a good excuse!!!_

“then maybe you should’ve asked me.”

.

.

.

after school, chaeyoung met momo at the front of the building. for once, she wasn’t wearing an adidas jacket, and she was in a white button up long sleeve top with a pleated black skirt like chaeyoung’s.

“i have a surprise for you~” she winked behind her bangs and offered her hand. chaeyoung took it with slight hesitation, but then responded to momo’s statement.

“is it going to be a long walk?”

“nope!”

_they walked for miles._

chaeyoung was trudging through slightly dewy green grass filled with three leaf clovers and fallen leaves. “fuck, my legs are giving out.”

“good thing we’re here then!”

“...”

chaeyoung stared at the randomly placed sand and large blue ocean in front of her.

“why the fuck have i never seen this?”

“it’s a special place only i know!” momo laughed. “you don’t want to fade away, right?”

“...”

“so then how about sinking underwater?”

chaeyoung was confused. “why do you always talk like you’re writing lyrics for a song?”

“i didn’t actually mean to drown, okay???” momo hit chaeyoung at the side of her head with a light punch. “i meant like, since there’s nobody here, let’s just relax and stay near the ocean.”

_“and you couldn’t just say that?”_ chaeyoung wanted to see inside momo’s brain for just _one_ second.

“i like talking in metaphoric ways.” she smile in response. “i do it when i’m happy because it makes me feel like a poet. plus, how can’t you expect me to be happy when...”

chaeyoung turned to where momo’s finger was pointing.

“the sun is out?” momo tried to stare at the golden ball of fire in awe without losing her vision. “and now we can tell it’s not fake because we can feel it.”

“it took you this long to realize the sun is real?”

“it took you long to realize my love was real, and you could feel that too!!!” momo pouted.

“that is not at all the same thing, you weirdo!!!” chaeyoung was the one to give momo a light punch this time.

they both looked back at the sky in admiration.

even though it was originally just another boring day, there was something different now. the hot sun in the morning and the cool winds despite the sun still being there in the afternoon felt… different. the world felt more saturated and the usually dull sky was a bright blue. 

“...it’s truly summer, isn’t it?”

“it is…” a realization hit chaeyoung and her heart dropped. “fuck, i didn’t pass this school year, did i? when my parents get home, they’ll—”

_“let’s stay here forever then.”_ momo moved her hand out of the sand to hold chaeyoung’s. “under the sky.”

chaeyoung held her hand tightly, wishing she could spend the rest of her life under this sky, chasing a real sun, enjoying the summer, only having to care about how much she knows instead of how much work she can do in a short time frame.

she wishes she could just be, kind of like the sky, kind of like the moon...

“momo…”

they looked in each other’s eyes.

“be the sun for me.”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for writing sad stuff again despite being better than i was when i wrote the idwfetwmtbf au because it’s spring break so i don’t have to worry about grades, but i randomly came up with the “are you dying?” paragraph in my head and was like FUCK WRITE THAT DOWN WRITE THAT DOWN
> 
> i was thinking of being like PLOT TWIST!!! momo was always a figment of chaeyoung’s imagination which is why she spoke weirdly and they had no classes together and she was in her house a lot and nobody spoke about momo except chaeyoung! but i decided not to.
> 
> i might fail the year like chaeyoung did :’) i sit in front of my computer and click on assignments but i can never do them... i’m always told to get a planner or schedule stuff or stop being lazy but none of that shit works >:/
> 
> also i had no idea u could use emojis on here??? i’ve been emoticoning it up every single damn au i’m pissed


End file.
